If sharks really can smell blood, then I’d imagine they’re all salivating over my erection right now.

“I live 20 miles away from 30 miles per hour. Horses get great gas mileage.”

“I want to grow a flower for every time someone tells me “F*** you.” Then I’ll g…”

“My skin hasn’t been sleeping. It stays awake just itching for a fight.”

“I got my windshield replaced for no apparent reason. So now I have a new windsh…”