If you asked me to mow your lawn, I’d say sure—just as soon as you move your lawn directly above mine.

“We had a good time together. 3:33, to be exact.”

“My asshole smells like a bookstore. So, are you a big reader?”

“Dream dialogue: 
-Don’t cry. I, too, know what it’s like to be different.
-But …”

“A blanket could be used as a scapegoat. But I’d rather use real goats, because …”