If you were to ask me if I have ever loved a woman, I'd probably reply, "Two gallons of milk and a midget.

“I like my relationships like I like my eggs. Over easy.”

“An empty room holds nothing but memories. At least it would, if I didn’t just f…”

“A brick and a blanket walk into a bar, and the bartender turns and says, “What …”

“If you tell me I look familiar but you just can’t place it, I’ll tell you that …”