If you were to ask me what kind of musical sound I aspire to produce, that noise would be a wet nipple sliding across a cheese grater. I’m a sucker for love songs.

“I’m sure I look memorable in my tuxedo, and she looks gorgeous in her wedding g…”

“When someone looks at something they don’t understand and they say, “That could…”

“The wisest thing my grandpa ever said to me before he died was "Stop!" Thinking…”

“The lunchmeat fell on the floor, and I didn’t know what to do, so I wiped it of…”