I’m getting gray hair in all sorts of crazy places. Like all over my carpet. It’s like I live in a nursing home, except without all the sex.

“My penis is looooooong. Wait, I think I left off an O. Probably better that way…”

“If I told you I’ve worked hard to get where I’m at, I’d be lying, because I hav…”

“My wife is younger. At one point, I was twice her age. Of course, I was six at …”

“I brush my teeth with a leg of fried chicken, and gravy is my toothpaste.”