I’m hungry but I won’t order 18 tubs of ketchup and a spoon. No, I’ll order it because I’m thirsty, and I’ll ask for a straw.

“I collect collect calls from the 80s. I prefer them in mint condition, meaning …”

“Women get lonely, while men merely get horny. I should know, because I’d feel l…”

“My facial expression must have looked like a swarm of bees as I drank the hot b…”

“Bosses are like assholes—everybody’s got one. Well, everyone except the unemplo…”