I’m single, like a cheese slice individually wrapped in plastic.

“I want a Snuggle Sandwich—hold the pickle. Make it a combo and upsize it.”

“The reason I make things so complicated is simple: Because I like being the unc…”

“Bosses are like assholes—everybody’s got one. Well, everyone except the unemplo…”

“If I exhaled parachutes, I might breathe from great heights.”