I’m so lowbrow that I don’t want to grow a unibrow, but I do want to grow a unicycle on my forehead.

“A brick and a blanket walk into a bar, and the bartender turns and says, “What …”

“Love should last a lifetime. But not the lifetime of a giant tortoise. More lik…”

“Orafoura: You just used the bathroom, but did you wash your hands?
Me: No.
Oraf…”

“The kitten I got is black and white and has long hair. Really long hair (think …”