I’m stoic like a statue of Stonewall Jackson. I’d make a great U.S. President, but I’d make an even better chiseled piece of marble—and that’s what makes me such an amazing lover.

“Some of the vitamins I take are the size of jumbo jets, though they only pack a…”

“I think guns would be more effective if bullets worked like boomerangs.”

“I’ve often been told I fight like a girl, probably because from the moment I wh…”

“Please, allow me a moment to put my penis back where it belongs. I should never…”