I’m such an alcoholic that I go to church just for communion.

“I water my driveway, and I drive a hard bargain to work (it gets great gas mile…”

“Why celebrate my birthday? My birthday is the product of two people’s—my parent…”

“You know you’re in love when you reach out to hold your woman’s hand, without r…”

“A brick could be used to assuage your sense that life isn't real. Hold it in yo…”