In a good economy, people work hard to succeed. In a bad economy, people work hard to not fail.

“I tried to wear my shirt while it was still on the hanger. That’s just the kind…”

“If I win in the nick of time, I’ll spread my congrats evenly to every Nick in t…”

“My asshole smells like chlorine, so I hope you brought some goggles.”

“I have a problem. I wouldn’t say I’m in a pickle. More like a vinegarized cucum…”