It takes more muscles to frown than it does to smile, which make sense because yesterday I frowned so much I ended up pulling my groin muscle.

“A unicorn breathes rainbows like a dragon breathes fire. My coffee breathes Jar…”

“May you fall on a fork and get eaten by a cannibal.”

“I am the sphinx of love. But I didn’t used to be. I used to be a sphink—which h…”

“Pizza is circular. So is an hour. I’ll take two slices—to go.”