Just because I look like John Wayne (at least my liver looks identical to his) doesn’t mean I play cowboy with politics. I’m going to vote for Philo T. Farnsworth for president, and so should you.

“The situation is a coffee mug, and I’ve got a handle on it.”

“I like watching baseball as much as my grandma’s left ear is loud. (She’d proba…”

“I get the impression that people who wear too much cologne are hiding something…”

“Some people say—not to my face, mind you—that I’m a cowardly son of a bitch. An…”