Just because I wear a size 14 shoe does not mean I’ll take it off when I go to shake your hand.

“Love walked in the door like a dusty cowboy, and I looked that cowboy dead in h…”

“Sandwiches come in shrink-wrap—therefore, I must masturbate with gloves on. Lun…”

“Dancing? Not only do I have two left feet, but they’re different sizes. And I d…”

“I remember the first time we made love like it was the second time. We never ma…”