Like a vibrator bolted on a bulldozer, I’m a regular sex machine.

“Why do old people drive slow? They have the least amount of time left on earth,…”

“I sing into burritos like they're microphones. If you want my autograph, you’re…”

“I play the only instrument that takes in music rather than propelling it out: t…”

“I wanted to sip my daily Starbucks coffee as I got to work early (no later than…”