Love is a gift that costs nothing to give. Love is also the most valuable thing in the world. Think about that next time you’re tempted to call me a cheap bastard because I didn’t buy you a birthday present.

“I feel like someone who has a parade named in their honor, and doesn’t get invi…”

“A shopping cart flipped upside down forms a cage that I use to protect myself f…”

“Uncle Sam’s not related to me. He’s stuck his dick in the American Pie too many…”

“I’m all out of beer like I’m all out of love. But I don’t drink beer, so who ca…”