Maybe I will buy my nephew an aquarium for his next birthday. It’s got to be better than the bathroom sink, which is where my brother is keeping him now.

“Last week I placed a hand-written sign in front of my neighborhood that read, “…”

“If you want to find dirt on me, wait until after I’m dead and buried.”

“There are shades of schadenfreude. My favorite shade is bright red, from a haug…”

“I’m all out of beer like I’m all out of love. But I don’t drink beer, so who ca…”