My asshole smells like a paper mill. Three cheers for being a writer.

“I’d staple my breath to your chest, if I thought it’d help you breathe easier. …”

“Thank goodness women aren’t as superficial as men. Where would a guy like me be…”

“Just got done giving my cat a haircut and eating dinner. The two events are unr…”

“I fish for rain, but I only ever seem to catch snow.”