My asshole smells like chlorine, so I hope you brought some goggles.

“I don’t dress like I have any money. And I don’t have any money, which helps en…”

“I’m a bean counter. Oh, I’m not an accountant, but I did spill pinto beans on t…”

“My advice is to write during commercial breaks, and read while your favorite TV…”

“Without even washing my hands I can tell whether I peed or not.”