My girlfriend just bought me a portable toaster. And my birthday’s coming up, so I’m half expecting her to buy me a portable bathtub to go along with it.

“I’m a smart cookie. Chocolate chip.”

“A brick could be used to separate the Jorges from the hoorays.
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“I’m so excited and lonely all at once. Just once. Not twice, because that’d be …”

“I am not into nudity on camera, but I would love to wear a banana peel over my …”