My mother always told me not to pick my nose, so I’m going let the plastic surgeon decide what my new nose will look like. I’m hoping he makes it look like either a Tiffany lamp, a Heckler and Koch assault rifle, or Bill Clinton’s erect cigar.

“When I wear my wedding ring I think of her. I also think of my wife.”

“The final few weeks in a town before you move always feel like vacation, like y…”

“A blowjob is the only employment I can get. At least in a bathroom stall.”

“Strawberries are so red they make me feel 33% patriotic.”