My penis, when inflated, does not qualify as a flotation device, no matter how much it tastes like the navy.

“If girlfriends were knees, I'd love to have both of mine replaced. That way, it…”

“The house is a normal-sized house, but once you step foot in the door, you are …”

“I can do a week in a weekend. That’s not how efficient I am, that’s how little …”

“Even a broken mirror isn’t broken if it allows you to see who you really are—cr…”