People always ask me if I’m into sports, and I say, “Well, isn’t writing a sport? If you’re doing it right, and you have a deadline, you should be sweating.

“Do you find it erotic how my pants bulge in the crotch, where I keep my coffee …”

“Boil your drinking water, and drink the water surrounding you in your bathtub.”

“I’d like touch screens better if they were furry, like cats.”

“The abbreviation for Brazil, BRA, makes me think of breasts. I have no idea why.”