Roses may say “I love you,” but the cactus says “Fuck off.

“Doing autograph sessions all day is not what I signed up for. But that’s just a…”

“If you won’t turn your back to face me, then I won’t even bother stabbing you.”

“If you asked me to mow your lawn, I’d say sure—just as soon as you move your la…”

“This book does not exist. And even if it did, it wouldn’t be worth buying or re…”