Sharks are so stupid. They swam right up to the boat, and they couldn’t even tell that I was chumming the water with ketchup, rather than blood.

“My day starts like a regular guy’s. I wake up, drink raw eggs, run around Phila…”

“If flowers were boogers, I'd pick a few big ones and flick them on your grave.”

“Fruit punch is better than a sucker punch—but quick, flex your abs.”

“So you made a mistake. Don’t beat yourself up over it. Let me beat you up inste…”