She told me she’d never forget me as long as she lived, and I got offended, because what, as soon as she dies I’m forgotten? Gee, thanks. I see how much I mean to her.

“I brought a fruit basket. Instead of wicker, it’s made of fruit. Specifically, …”

“The morning came pouring down on my night, but luckily I was able to convert my…”

“I’m so silent I can hardly hear myself think. But that’s why I bought the sciss…”

“What is the price of love? Half price—if you date a midget.”