Sitting on my ass all day long is fun and all, but I’d rather sit on your ass. More padding, like an overstuffed sofa.

“My girlfriend bought me a collared shirt for my birthday, mainly so I don’t get…”

“My legs are so skinny they’re like arms on a clock. And the stars are like 1-12…”

“I paid her a little visit, and I used a coupon with the purchase.”

“A brick could be used as 1,2, and 4. But not 3. No, 3 is too holy for a brick. …”