So you made a mistake. Don’t beat yourself up over it. Let me beat you up instead.

“I grew a mustache, and I grew it in my garden. My mustache is organic, and will…”

“A blanket could be used as a sail for my self-esteem when I’m floating upstream…”

“It’s what you do in your free time that will set you free—or enslave you.”

“If I went into the prosthetic limb business, I’d charge an arm and a leg.”