The best part about having kids is not actually having to have kids. Thank you, women.

“Fashion Tip Number 12: Gray is not the color to wear if you want to get noticed…”

“Yes, ma’am, I will take seconds. Your dinner tastes like excrement. I scream, y…”

“I refuse to answer the phone, especially when it’s not questioning (ringing).”

“People who have knickknacks are people people. Some are even named Nick.”