The fastest I’ve ever fallen in love is 17 miles per hour. But I was safe, because I was wearing a bicycle helmet at the time.

“When my coffee is gone, so is my motivation.”

“I used pleading insanity as a threat, and now I employ it as a party favor. (Th…”

“Yes, ma’am, I will take seconds. Your dinner tastes like excrement. I scream, y…”

“Aside from the fact that you’re not my son, and I’m not a woman, do you think I…”