The list of women he’s slept with is longer than his penis. The list is three inches long.

“I wish somebody would have told my grandpa about the Cold War, so he could have…”

“An empty bag of chips would make a great sleeping bag, if it were larger. Or if…”

“I drew a self-portrait of myself, drawn with my eyes closed from a memory someo…”

“I honk at protestors to show my support, and also tell them to get the fuck out…”