The only reason my wife agreed to marry me is because Christian Bale wasn’t around to propose to her.

“His voice was so gravelly I could drive a truck on it. And I would have, but I …”

“There’s only one way you can appreciate me in the bedroom—call my wife and get …”

“I’ll bet if I write a sentence and mention the word “edit,” people will slow do…”

“I’ll piss in a cup for you. You can run a drug test on it, or you can drink it.”