The only way I’ll ride a horse is if that horse is in a wheelchair, being pushed by a 99-year-old paraplegic.

“I have no regrets. Just original grets.”

“The burden of proof weighs a lot, but it’s not as heavy as a certain 19th centu…”

“Just to show my dad that I think he's number one, I bought him a urinal cake fo…”

“After our date, I spent about an hour trying to get in her pants before finally…”