The rocky terrain wasn’t the reason we were on uneven footing. She had no feet, and I was in love. We made love like Nickelback makes music—and I enjoyed it, but I wish the fans in the audience wouldn’t have screamed so loud.

“Whenever you have a goal, it's a good idea to have both a plan A and a back-up …”

“The cop wanted to know what was in the bag. I said, Another cop.”

“A brick and a blanket aptly describe my former roommate. He was as dumb as a br…”

“Some people talk nonstop and manage to say nothing at all. Other people are mor…”