To cement my point, Dire Straits came on and after Perry proclaimed her sudden (and surprising) love for the band, the douchefucker stood up and asked her to dance like he was a Cajun Rhett Butler.

“Despite my smooth moves (which, honestly, was just feeling her up in the kitche…”

“My idea of vacuuming is borrowing someone's dog for the day and having them eat…”

“I held it in my hands like it was a baby (and, just for reference, I hold babie…”

“You are a fucking naughty girl,” I told her.“Or just a naughty girl you’re fuck…”