When anybody asks me what time it is, I always say, “Yesterday, plus 24 hours.

“I buy all my socks with holes in them. Otherwise, how would I get my feet in th…”

“With that shirt you have on, you remind me of what you look like with no shirt …”

“To me, beer tastes like piss. Maybe that's why I only enjoy it in the shower wi…”

“I could do more pull-ups with a midget on my back, than a midget could do with …”