When I couldn’t grow a full beard I took it as a sign from God to grow a mustache instead.

“Speed dating is great, because when that bell rings, I drool like Pavlov’s dog.”

“The best description of this book is found within the title. The full title of …”

“So I got a new job, and I start tomorrow. I’m excited to have a job, and bummed…”

“I have no regrets. Just original grets.”