When I walk my dog, people always ask if we’re twins.

“I’m not a consumer, because consumers are consumed with shopping. No, I prefer …”

“Kick the blanket, don’t kick the bucket—especially if that bucket is full of de…”

“A brick could be used to paint a mural of your favorite politician. It doesn’t …”

“I bought an empty safe, and I keep it empty, because safety doesn’t exist, so m…”