When I was a kid, I’d leave my door cracked with a piece of lint on top, and if I came home and the lint was on the floor, I’d know there’d been an intruder in my room. Of course, I shared a room with the washer and dryer, so this led to many false accusations.

“As an extreme method of saving, I’d kidnap myself, if I thought I’d actually pa…”

“The pros and cons of being a criminal: Pros—are cons that haven’t been caught. …”

“Sometimes when I read before bed I get so tired that my eyes gloss over the sen…”

“Everywhere I go I'm too focused on everyone else to realize that they are too f…”