When someone tells me they don’t read, I like to walk up to them and stroke their hair, pet it really, because you know who also doesn’t read? My cat. In essence, these people are pitiful, and no better than pets.

“The lunchmeat fell on the floor, and I didn’t know what to do, so I wiped it of…”

“There is nothing more enjoyable than being a member of an enlightened group of …”

“Sometimes I ask God what I did to deserve her love. I maintain my innocence, an…”

“I carry a little plastic tub with me, and I put my most valuable possessions in…”