Yesterday I complained of chest pains. My cat scratched my nipples.

“Love is a circular emotion that surrounds you, like a hug. Or a noose.”

“I like being right more than I like keeping friends. Certainly this leaves me l…”

“I want to open a wheat/dairy factory. Bread and butter will be my bread and but…”

“Criminals should be hung like championship banners—proudly, and in an effort to…”