If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I’d probably just start calling out letters.
Demetri MartinI think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades...or a game of fake heart attack.
Demetri MartinGlitter is the herpes of craft supplies.
Demetri MartinStichwörter: art glitter crafts herpes
Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say... sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of... it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like... after "I love you"... or "You're going to live"... or "It's a boy!
Demetri MartinStichwörter: humor funny comedy equivocation comedian
I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.
Demetri MartinStichwörter: humor funny comedy ironic comedian roommates fly demetri-martin
I like video games, but they're really violent. I'd like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It'd be called 'Really Busy Hospital.
Demetri MartinStichwörter: humor funny games video-games helping-others shot comedians demetri-martin
About a month ago I got a cactus. A week later, it died. I was really depressed because I was like, 'Damn! I am less nurturing than a desert.
Demetri MartinTo some I am known as Chief. And these are usually people who work in Radio Shack or try to sell me shoes. To others I am known as Buddy. These are people who dwell in bars and wonder if I’ve got a problem or what it is that I am “looking at.” And to still others, who are in that same bar, standing just off to the side, I am “Get Him!
Demetri MartinStichwörter: humor names bars salesmen
I am a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a pita. Why the pita? That counts as another mystery.
Demetri MartinStichwörter: paraphrased mystery enigma pita
I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.
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