Being an only child makes me the oldest child and the youngest child. And the middle child.

Jarod Kintz


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I’m going outside to get a breath of fresh air. Anybody got a cigarette I can have?

Jarod Kintz


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With over one billion people, I’d say China is the best place to have group sex.

Jarod Kintz


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The only time I like traffic lights turning yellow or red is in the fall.

Jarod Kintz


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I love giving love. The more I give, the more I have to give.

Jarod Kintz


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Your deodorant smells like my armpit. And yet I get no royalty from the manufacturer.

Jarod Kintz


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He died a suspicious death. But only because he was a politician, and everything he did was suspicious.

Jarod Kintz


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Sitting down never feels so great as after standing for eight hours on someone’s testicles.

Jarod Kintz


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He looked like a raccoon, so I told him to take off his coonskin cap. So he did. Then he looked like a rat, so I told him to put the cap back on.

Jarod Kintz


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A lie makes up 3/4ths of life.

Jarod Kintz


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