One thing I’ve learned about myself over the years is that I’m no good at dealing with people dying. It’s not that I’m afraid of it – I know that everyone’s gotta go eventually – but I can’t help thinking that there are only one or two ways of being brought into this world, but there are so many f**ked-up ways of leaving it.
Ozzy OsbourneYou’ve got to try and take things to the next level, or you’ll just get stuck in a rut.
Ozzy OsbourneYes, I’m the crazy rock’n’roller who bit the head off a bat and pissed on the Alamo, but I also have a son who likes to mess around with the settings on my telly, so when I make myself a nice pot of tea, put my feet up, and try to watch a programme on the History Channel, I can’t get the f**king thing to work. That kind of stuff blew people’s minds. I think they had this idea in their heads that when I wasn’t being arrested for public intoxication, I went to a cave and hung upside down, drinking snakes’ blood. But I’m like Coco the Clown, me: at the end of the day, I come home, take off my greasepaint and my big red nose, and become Dad.
Ozzy OsbourneOne day Sharon got a call from Greta Van Susteren, one of the anchors at Fox News.
‘I was wondering if you and Ozzy wanted to have dinner next week with the President of the United States,’ she said.
‘Is he in trouble again?’ asked Sharon.
Greta laughed. ‘Not that I know of, no.’
‘Thank God for that.’
‘Will you come?’
‘Of course we will. It would be an honour.’
When Sharon told me, I couldn’t believe it. I always thought I’d be on a ‘Wanted’ poster on the Oval Office wall, not invited over for tea.
I’m not so comfortable with politicians. Meeting them always just feels weird and a bit creepy, no matter who it is. For example, I met Tony Blair during The Osbournes period at this thing called the Pride of Britain Awards. He was all right, I suppose; very charming. But I couldn’t get over the fact that our young soldiers were dying out in the Middle East and he could still find the time to hang around with pop stars.
Then he came over to me and said, ‘I was in a rock’n’roll band once, y’know?’
I said, ‘So I believe, Prime Minister.’
‘But I could never work out the chords to “Iron Man”.’
I wanted to say, ‘F**k me, Tony, that’s a staggering piece of information, that is. I mean, you’re at war with Afghanistan, people are getting blown up all over the place, so who honestly gives a f**k that you could never work out the chords to “Iron Man”?’
But they’re all the same, so there’s no point getting wound up about it.
When I was growing up, no one ever recovered from cancer. I mean, the doc would always tell you it was survivable, but everyone knew that was just bullshit to calm you down.
Ozzy OsbourneThe power of people, when they focus on something positive, never fails to amaze me.
Ozzy Osbourne‘Dad,’ said Jack one day. ‘When you’re on the telly, d’you think people are laughing with you or at you?’
The question had obviously been bothering him for a while.
‘Y’know what,’ I said to him, ‘as long as they’re laughing, I don’t care.’
‘But why, Dad? Why would you want to be a clown?’
‘Because I’ve always been able to laugh at myself, Jack. Humour has kept me alive over all these years.’
And it’s true, y’know.
I used to get upset by people not understanding me, but I’ve made a career out of it now.
Ozzy OsbourneThe thing is, I’ve never believed in feuds. Don’t get me wrong: I’ve been angry with people. Very angry – with people like Patrick Meehan, or that lawyer who tried to bill me for a drink, or Bob Daisley. But I don’t hate them. And I don’t wish them any harm. I reckon hating someone is just a total f**king waste of time and effort. What do you get out of it in the end? Nothing. I’m not trying to come over like the Archangel Gabriel here. I just think that if you’re pissed off with someone, call them an arsehole, get it out of your system, and move on. It’s not like we’re on this earth very long.
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