I have hobbies," he says, smirking. "Physical pursuits: Base-jumping, hang-gliding, underwater basket-weaving.

Andrew Shaffer

Tags: humor parody



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I shake his hand, and feel the jolt of electricity again from him. He laughs and raises his hand to show me the joy-buzzer in his palm.

Andrew Shaffer

Tags: humor parody



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The people are so small, they look like ants (although they're Walmart customers, so they look like obese ants).

Andrew Shaffer

Tags: humor parody



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As I brush my long, brown hair, the girl in the mirror with blue eyes too big for her head stares back at me. Wait...I don’t have blue eyes! Then I realize I haven’t been looking into the mirror. I’ve been staring at a poster of Kristen Stewart for five minutes. My own hair is actually fine.

Andrew Shaffer


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He hands me his shopping list and I lead him through the store in search of the items. Duct tape? Plastic wrap? A hacksaw? Who is this guy, Dexter?

Andrew Shaffer


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I growl with frustration at my reflection in the mirror. Damn my hair – it’s fifty shades of fucked up. The situation I’m in is fifty shades of fucked up. I’m supposed to be studying for my finals; my roommate, Kathleen, should be the one fussing with her hair in front of the mirror right now. Instead, I’m trying to brush my hair into submission. Why is my hair so kinky? I need to stop sleeping with it wet, because it always ends up out of control. As I brush my long, brown hair, the girl in the mirror with blue eyes too big for her head stares back at me. Wait...I don’t have blue eyes! Then I realize I haven’t been looking into the mirror. I’ve been staring at a poster of Kristen Stewart for five minutes. My own hair is actually fine.

Andrew Shaffer


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Most times, my mind is just an ongoing, present-tense, first-person monologue. It's like I'm writing a novel.

Andrew Shaffer

Tags: writing novel



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roommate,

Andrew Shaffer


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I arrive at the Gray Holdings headquarters in downtown Seattle two hours later. The building is a ginormous 175-story office building that juts into the sky like a glass and steel erection. It’s fifteen minutes until two when I arrive – just in time for the interview. I walk through the glass doors and into the lobby, which is also floor-to-ceiling glass and steel. This fascinates me, because buildings back in Portland are made of grass and mud.

Andrew Shaffer


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Most times, my mind is just an ongoing, present-tense, first-person monologue. It's like I'm writing a novel, constantly, but only in my brain.

Andrew Shaffer

Tags: writing novel parody



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