Fact: upon locking yourself our of your apartment you will immediately need to use the bathroom. Fact: and then you will stand in place and watch your door. You will just stare. As though rebuffed by it. As though it has done this to you.
Augusten BurroughsAnd that was one thing I didn't want: NO CASUAL SEX. I thought it was disgusting, the idea of just screwing around and then that's it.
Augusten BurroughsWell, you know, just some old man all alone. God, I hope I don't end up alone like that. Some pathetic old woman with nobody to go on a whale watch with.
Augusten BurroughsI missed him so much that I had physical sensations of loss, all over my body. Like one minute I was missing an arm, the next my spleen. It was making me feel sick, like throwing up.
Augusten BurroughsMost everybody had made at least one bad, drunken decision in their lives. Called an ex at two in the morning. Or perhaps has a little too much to drink on a second date and wept inconsolably while revealing how simply damaged one was, while nonetheless retaining an uncommonly large capacity for love. That kind of thing was, while regrettable, at least comprehensible. But waking up with someone generationally inappropriate, like your grandfather's best buddy?
Augusten BurroughsTags: humor
It terrified me to consider: What if, as a grown-up, I craved another body beside me as still as this one? What then?
Augusten BurroughsTags: sad-reality
but I am not here ironically; I am here sincerely.
Augusten BurroughsOne thing was certain: I would be in their Tang commercial. And if any of the other children tried to get in the way, I would use my pencil to blind them
Augusten BurroughsWhen I was ten years old, I realized I'd been kidnapped as a toddler. Of course, I would have to have been a fairly dim child to miss the clues. Great big pink-elephant clues, trumpeting and lumbering and shitting through the house, ignored by everyone except me.
Augusten BurroughsI hate news and information and anything that threatens to puncture the bubble of oblivion in which I live.
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