What nobody understood then is this: The only way that you achieve what you want and fulfill your dreams and become great is by demanding that sort of attention. You have to make it happen.

Augusten Burroughs


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But she did love him. I believe it. I know exactly how that is. To love somebody who doesn't deserve it. Because they are all you have. Because any attention is better than no attention.

Augusten Burroughs


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The problem with not having anybody to tell you what to do, I understood, is that there was nobody to tell you what not to do.

Augusten Burroughs


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If I were a serial killer, I would not be the kind that stabs and then eats the victim. I would be the kind that hides in a tree and shoots at the aerobics class.

Augusten Burroughs

Tags: humor



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Dennis looked at the puppy in the window. We both did. It was the oddest thing. Normally, puppies in pet store windows sleep or pee or roll around on top of other dogs. This one ignored us its window-mates and was instead sitting with its nose pressed against the glass, looking at us with an extremely serious little expression on its face. An expression that seemed to me to be saying, "I am a sacred cow. Get out your wallet.

Augusten Burroughs

Tags: humor



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What I really want is to sit next to someone on an L.L. bean blanket on the beach in the fall and drink coffee from the same mug. I don't want some rusty '73 Ford Pinto with a factory-defective gas tank that causes it to explode when its rear-ended in the parking lot of the supermarket. So why do I keep looking for Pintos?

Augusten Burroughs


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Life would be fabric-softener, tuna-salad-on-white, PTA-meeting normal.

Augusten Burroughs

Tags: normal



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I like it when she's shiny, like a star, like a guest on the Donnie and Marie Show.

Augusten Burroughs

Tags: foil shiny



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In addition to calling each other standard names like bitch and whore, the Finches incorporated Freud's stages of psychosexual development into their arsenal of invectives.

Augusten Burroughs


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And of course, the answer came to me in the same way Jesus comes to those who drink in trailers: as an epiphany.

Augusten Burroughs


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