Like cubic zirconia, I only look real. I'm an imposter. The fact is, I am not like other people.

Augusten Burroughs


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You have an incredible body." He reaches out to touch my stomach. I feel no pleasure in his compliment or his touch, only impatience. This is the only feeling. I feel like the paper on which my mood chart is printed.

Augusten Burroughs


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Although I was able to maintain a pleasant expression, I was mentally throwing up in her face.

Augusten Burroughs

Tags: humor confessions magical-thinking



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Should I just sit down, right here at carousel seven, and shake until somebody's arms are around me and they're saying, 'It's okay, I'm here, I'm here, come with me to the institute.

Augusten Burroughs


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I am prone to envy. It is one of my three default emotions, the others being greed and rage. I have also experienced compassion and generosity, but only fleetingly and usually while drunk, so I have little memory.

Augusten Burroughs

Tags: humor



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and she's a nurse. do you know how hard nursing school is? it's like medical school. so she's obviously smart.

Augusten Burroughs


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I did not consider him to be any kind of a genius. I considered him deeply lacking in the area that mattered most in life. Star quality.

Augusten Burroughs


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Turn off the light," she says as she walks away, creating a small woosh that smells sweet and chemical. It makes me sad because it's the smell she makes when she's leaving.

Augusten Burroughs

Tags: sad mother leaving



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I really look at my childhood as being one giant rusty tuna can that I continue to recycle in many different shapes.

Augusten Burroughs


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I hate feelings. Why does sobriety have to come with feelings?

Augusten Burroughs


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