Nobody's trying to kill you, Deirdre. You're killing yourself.
Augusten BurroughsI wish I had a tray table in my bedroom and I wish I smoked, just so I could extinguish my smoking materials
Augusten BurroughsI referred albums to the more modern eight tracks. Albums came with sleeves which reminded me of clean underwear. Plus, the pictures were bigger, making it easier to see each follicle of Tony Orlando's shiny arm hair.
Augusten BurroughsDoctor, if being a bitch is healthy, then I am the healthiest damn woman on the face of the earth
Augusten BurroughsTags: humor
I would borrow the microphone and stuff it down the front of my pants, examining myself from every angle in the mirror
Augusten BurroughsAugusten very distant tonight. Probably because of my games.
Augusten BurroughsTags: sick
I could see jabs from his flashlight cutting into the woods on either side of me. He was back there, somewhere. The light beam was like a knife and I didn't want it on my back.
Augusten BurroughsAfter a horribly long day, I needed a mental break. I threw on my parka, with the raccoon fur around the hood, and I went to see a movie. But what to see? Something sweet and stupid and harmless. At the movie theater on Second Avenue and Twelfth, a title caught my eye. I thought, 'That seems good. Jodie Foster and a puffy, friendly farm animal, a butterfly.' I unzipped my jacket and headed inside to see a movie I'd heard the name of but knew nothing about. It was called Silence Of The Lambs.
Augusten BurroughsThe year I snuck an interracial lesbian couple into the background of an American Airlines commercial, I was feeling particularly flush.
Augusten BurroughsRarely do very handsome men allow their faces to run around without a leash. I am not very handsome, but I am above-average handsome, which means I have spent only one-sixteenth of my life in front of a mirror practicing facial expressions, as opposed to the maybe one-fourth that a very handsome guy might have. Yet I can tell you that if I had accidentally spilled coffee on a first date, I would have immediately made facial expression number 69b: Spilled Coffee on First Date face.
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