New Rule: Oil companies must stop with the advertisements implying they're friends of the environment. "At Exxon Mobil, we care about a thriving wildlife." Please--the only thing an oil executive has in common with a seagull is they'd both steal french fries from a baby.
Bill MaherTags: humor environment oil-industry
New Rule: Conspiracy theorists who are claiming that we didn't really kill Bin Laden must be reminded that they didn't think he did the crime in the first place. Come on, nutjobs, keep your bullshit straight: The towers were brought down in a controlled demolition by George W. Bush to distract attention from Hawaii, where CIA operatives were planting phony birth records so that a Kenyan named Barack Obama could someday rise to power and pretend to take out the guy we pretended took out the Towers. And I know that's true because I just got it in an e-mail from Trump.
Bill MaherTags: humor donald-trump osama-bin-laden conspiracy-theories birthers
New Rule: Whenever you think the Tea Party can't get any dumber, they get dumber. Now they're in love with Donald Trump. Because nothing says "We're serious about fiscal responsibility" quite like a billionaire whose corporations have filed for bankruptcy three times.
Bill MaherTags: humor donald-trump
New Rule: From now on, duct tape must be called what it really is--murder tape. A search of the suspected Craigslist Killer's home yielded a firearm, restraints, and duct tape, or, as we call that here in Hollywood, Phil Spector's earthquake kit.
Bill MaherTags: humor
New Rule: A dog is the only animal that can get you laid. No offense, parrot guy, but it's not gonna happen. When women see you, they're not thinking, "I bet that guy is interesting," they're thinking, "That bird better not shit on my dress.
Bill MaherTags: humor
He sold Syria way better than he sold this.
Bill MaherTags: politics barack-obama obama affordable-care-act obamacare real-time-with-bill-maher
This is the opposite of the free market.
Bill MaherTags: politics america health-care health-insurance tea-party affordable-care-act health-care-reform obamacare
I don't want to say Monsanto is evil right off the bat, but why is Monsanto so evil?
Bill MaherTags: science evil chemicals real-time-with-bill-maher monsanto
And, corny as it may sound, I do cherish the bond between me and the audience, the minority that follows my stuff and always makes me glad it's us against the world.
Bill MaherTags: humor cute corny real-time-with-bill-maher
Every day in America is a day with a shooting.
Bill MaherTags: politics america violence guns gun-control gun-violence real-time-with-bill-maher
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